I'm sorry that I haven't been responding to comments all that much. I've been feeling very distant and a bit disconnected from things lately for a number of reasons, chiefly because I've been thinking back about the past several years and looking at a number of different aspects of my life during there years. For this journal, I be focusing on my romantic life from the past several years. This is going to be a bit of an exorcism for me, so please bear with me.
I've been, more or less, single for the past sixish/sevenish years. During the early few years I was feeling lonely, depressed, anxious, and was in general just a possessive ass-sausage of person. I was not a fun person to be around at that time of my life, and every time I think about those years from freshman to junior year, I cringe and feel the urge to throw up. Around that time, I was still toying around with weight gain drawings and exploring my sexuality and such around that time. I had started my first ever DeviantArt account, DirgeGUNinc, and began really exploring the weight gain community. This will be relevant shortly. During my first day of high school, I remember the bus driving towards the house of my friend since middle school (who I'll refer to as "Camo-Pants" since I don't want to use any names) and stopping. He got onto the bus, and was followed by a peculiar girl who immediately caught my eye when she sat down in one of the nearby seats. I asked Camo-Pants who she was, and he said that was his older sister (who I'll refer to as "Poke-Girl").
I was confounded and confuddled! I knew Camo-Pants had a younger sister who I briefly met in middle school, but I was dumbfounded with his older sister. Coming out of middle school, I was used to other kids being a bunch of stupid twats who deserve to get hit with a million rock-filled sock monkeys, but Poke-Girl was so far removed from anything I had seen before. She sat down, put on her headphones...and started reading. I was like "what?" and was curious about her. As time passed, I noticed that not only did she act different from other people, but she dressed different as well. Something about her look was just...well...cute. I was so used to girls either dressing in hoodies and sweatpants or dressing like hoes that my pubescent brain malfunctioned. All of that said, I remained only fascinated by her weirdness for a month or two until Camo-Pants invited me over for a birthday party/sleep over combo, to which I eagerly said yes. The night was fun and I became properly introduced to Camo-Pants' family and we played Mario Party (on an unrelated note, FUCK THAT BOO MANSION LEVEL) and Legend of Zelda: Four Swords. During the party, I actually got to hear weirdo girl speak and I think my heart skipped several beats like a crappy DJ. Her voice was so gorgeous! Even to this day, I still wonder how such a nasal voice that sounds like Asuka Langley Soryu with a stuffy nose could be so adorable (I THINK I found it so attractive because around that time I had just finished watching Evangelion for the first time and I thought Asuka's English voice was incredibly dreamy so anything close to it was automatically attractive to me). Poke-Girl, while clearly enjoying herself, was still sort of quiet during the party, but I think that was enough for 14 year old me. I had just developed the biggest crush on her, even more so than the girls of middle school.
For the next several months, not too much happened until the end of freshman year. With prom coming up relatively soon, I asked Camo-Pants what sorts of things Poke-Girl was interested in and he said that she was a fan of anime. I wanted to talk to Poke-Girl but was pants-shittingly terrified of speaking to her (this will be a recurring trend), so I wanted to talk to her about something she was comfortable with since she seemed just as stand-offish as me. Now, I knew what anime was (I grew up with the original Toonami and Robotech) but had abandoned it years ago due to the stigma. I couldn't remember many anime, and all I could recall off the top of my head at the time was Sailor Moon, Robotech, Evangelion, and Naruto (because yes, I DID watch some Naruto when I was a kid). I tried talking to her multiple times, but she never noticed due to having her headphones on. Talk about a real case of "Senpai notice me!" X'D After not getting anywhere that way, I worked up the strength to directly ask Poke-Girl if she would like to go to prom with me. She responded by saying that she was going with her boyfriend. I nodded and said okay, before sitting back in my bus seat and putting on Stone Sour on my ipod, a strong sense of disappointment in my gut.
Summer came and went and I became a sophomore. During the summer, Camo-Pants mentioned the idea of the three of us going to an anime convention in September. I leaped at the chance. School started and things went the same as last year for a few months until the day we went to the convention. It was the first real convention for me, Camo-Pants, and Poke-Girl and we were like kids in a candystore...a JAPANESE candystore...that sold hentai (HURHURHUR). During the convention, I began talking with Poke-Girl and grew to befriend her. We texted each other every so often, and occasionally hung out at her house with Camo-Pants and his younger sister. We even went to a second convention with each other (mainly because Camo-Pants couldn't be asked to go) and there was where I first encountered lolita fashion (more on that later). We certainly weren't BFFs or anything but I was still happy none-the-less. However, before long I began to redevelop stronger feelings for her as a grew to knew her. She was peppy, energetic, mischievous, sweet and, more than anything else, sincere. She was basically everything I and so many other people weren't, and I began to long for seeing her more, even in spite the fact that part of the reason was romantic interest despite the fact that she was still in a relationship. Yes, this is somewhat going in the bad direction you think it is.
Feeling frustrated with myself being single as well as how things in school and my personal life were nosediving, I began to vent a LOT of bile out to Poke-Girl over text, sometimes to alarming degrees. I also was starting to feel the smallest glints of jealousy towards her BF at the time. My behavior grew more erratic and bitter and I kept pouring all of that shit onto her as if only MY life mattered. I don't remember exactly how it went, but I remember seeing her in the commons and attempting to speak with her only to be cut off by her BF and poor little me couldn't fucking stand seeing this person I has so affectionate for being with someone else. I felt cheated that I couldn't be with someone who felt so right in my heart that I slumped down in the commons and contemplated self-harm. Yes, you heard that right. I contemplated FUCKING SELF-HARM...over a girl. *facepalms* Jesus Christ, sophomore me...anyways, I continued my downward spiral of jealousy, depression, and anger...then I noticed she had stopped coming to school.
I asked her younger sister what was going on and she told me that Poke-Girl had stopped coming to school due to depression and anxiety. I later learned that her boyfriend had broken up with her around the same time. Work and harassing students had widdled her down and she cut herself off from everyone, including her boyfriend. Upset with her for not being more open with him (at least that's what I heard at the time), he broke up with her. I was speechless, not just for not knowing that any of this had happened to her...but because I was shoving all of my bullshit into her face while being jealous. I realized how insignificant any of my problems were compared to the absolute horrible things she was dealing with, and I broke down. I was exhausted, I was humiliated, I was regretful, I was sorry...and above all else, I hated myself as a human being for putting myself before a friend. I still hate myself. So many of my friends and family (including her, but I never told her about any of the things that were going on during sophomore year so all she sees is me being hard on myself but not why) keep telling me to take it easy on myself, but I can't. Sophomore year was the year I was such a piece of shit to everyone and anyone, and I did so many things I regret that I can't get rid of this anger towards myself. I still can't. I couldn't speak to her. I could barely even bring myself to look at her out of guilt. I spent all of junior year withdrawn from people to a large extent, keeping to myself in my room with only the company of my ipod and the guilt of who I was and what I had done. Junior year was a time of healing and trying to come to terms with myself, and I developed into a rather cynical person as I looked out at the world. During this time, I began to dig deeper into the weight gain community and became deeply entrenched in it, and resumed the creation of weight gain drawings and such.
Come senior year, I had recovered...mostly...but I was much more cynical than before. I don't remember exactly when, but I began to really hang out with Camo-Pants and Poke-Girl again, only this time I tried greatly to avoid over-pouring my emotions and ignored any romantic feelings I may have had rekindling. I was happy to be around my friends again with me actually feeling like me and not a disgusting fuck. Not much changed during senior year, though I found myself growing close to Poke-Girl again, only this time without the taint of jealousy or depression. She introduced me to a number of things I still enjoy to this day: Markiplier, Lolita Fashion, TV Tropes, Cinema Snob's porno reviews, the list goes on. It was almost like a renaissance for me, and a lot of my current personality came out of that time. I uploaded my first weight gain pictures to DeviantArt and from there I began to upload regularly to my old account. But the story doesn't end here.
During the summer in between the end of high school and the start of college, Poke-Girl invited me to go see a musical with her family (which amazed me since she NEVER asked me if I'd like to do something with her before) so I accepted graciously and we had a ton of fun at the musical (and this is coming from a guy who isn't exactly the most fond of musicals). Soon we began to hang out a lot, with me vising JUST to hang with her and we had a lot of fun. We would read shitty fanfiction, laugh our lungs out with Youtube videos and be confusingly mystified by watching Cinema Snob review pornos while we ate dinner. I don't know WHY we were so mystified. Probably because both of us are dorky virgins and SEX! X'D It was AMAZING (the hanging out bit not the pornos but the pornos were definitely entertaining). Poke-Girl taught me about Lolita Fashion and even showed off her outfits and clothes like 12-year-old me talking about Transformers, and we even went to a Lolita event which while I was incredibly awkward over there, was an incredibly fun change of pace for me. I learned she has a real knack for crocheting and definitely wish she'd teach me about it some time! All was fun and games (and porn) until I realized one day that I was attracted to her. Not like a crush, or a weird jealousy thing. But I was in love with her. Christ, that sounded so dorky.
I felt so awkward around her, and every time I tried to express my love I came across as a massive spastic weirdo (no change there then). I remember one time when I tried to give her a fancily articulated complement I read in a book one time and completely butchered it so bad I quite literally insulted her by calling her a brat. *cringes* I also remember that one time I tried to be all "knightly" (before I knew what actual knights were like) and gave her a kiss on the hand and she just gave me the biggest "wtf" look. I left the room and cringed hard. I even tried expressing my feelings to her late at night multiple tries while she was trying to go to bed. I'm thankful she actually took the time to listen to my fail, but I'm pretty sure she just got annoyed with all of my faffing about. If it wasn't obvious, I'm not very good at that whole "romance" thing, at least not unless I'm already used to expressing it to someone. The crowning achievement in fail happened when we both went to see Deadpool and she ordered a drink and I, being the nincompoop I am, took a big ass drink out of the damn thing because I forgot that I wasn't with family. *facepalms with both hands*
Around the same time as the Deadpool thing, Poke-Girl revealed some of her Husbandos to me, which felt all kinds of awkward at first, but who am I to talk? I have a long list of Waifus in my Waifu Harem for fuck's sake! X'D Things continued on weirdly for me for a little longer, before I grew fed-up with my own ability to express myself and straight-up called her on St. Patrick's day and asked if she had any kind of feelings in return because in the back of my mind I kept wishing that she did. She didn't. Suffice to say, I was heartbroken for a very, very long time. The timing was beyond terrible for that to happen, since it was only a week away from a planned trip to an amusement park with me, her, and my family. I felt unsure of what to do, but I steeled myself and we had a great time there, even though the heartbreak was still there, lurking out of view. I went through periods of actively hanging out with her tons and being withdrawn due to not knowing what to do now that the young lady who made my oblique heart light up was not interested in perusing a romantic relationship with me, though I remember at least being glad that I finally knew how she felt for certain. Thinking back, though, I honestly am not sure if she realized just how into her I was at the time. I suppose it's not important anymore.
Things felt awkward for me most of last year, though we still got together a lot and we even organized a trip to the beach over the weekend for a Lolita Tea Party event and a boardwalk visit. Jesus lord above, that was FUN. Holy fucking shit. Yeah, I was an awkward spaz at the tea party but GOOD LORD, THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES! THEY WERE SO HOT IN THEIR JUMPERSKIRTS AND PETICOATS (both figuratively and literally since it was hot as fuck that day). Even Poke-Girl looked drop-dead gorgeous! The hotel and boardwalk were loads of fun (even if I felt loads awkward during lunch where I couldn't think of anything interesting to say so I just kind of rambled about random shit). The beach trip was a somewhat pivotal moment for me, since it made me realize that I could be around Poke-Girl and still have fun even after being turned down. I also learned just how much I love Lolita Fashion, pastels, sweet things, cuteness, and the ocean. I felt good. So, I channeled all of that and the feelings Poke-Girl gave me platonically (and previously romantically) into a new OC: Sarah Hetfield.
Sarah started off being very Poke-Girl like, but gradually I made her into her own character, and changed her look to something more distinctive while still retaining some of what I learned from my experiences with Poke-Girl to create my own dream girl.
I still frequently draw inspiration from Poke-Girl as well as past crushes and current crushes and Waifus to come up with new OCs such as Valerie Taylor, who barrows a point or two from Poke-Girl physically while retaining a personality more inspired by the likes of Asuka Langley Soryu, Azusa Nanako and Lisa Hayes/Misa Hayase.
The new year has brought a lot of new developments in this strange friendship between me and Poke-Girl, with both of us chatting with each other online every monday night during live episodes of "What The Fuck Is Wrong With You" and continuing a sporking of a terrible Zelda fanfiction. Last month, we even delved into the depths of Rule 34 territory by looking up loads of porn of her many Husbandos (She won't admit they're her Husbandos but I know a Husbando from anywhere >.>). I even sent her loads of sexy/nude pictures of her main Husbando, Gambit from the X-Men. Her reaction was priceless. The most important thing to come about, however, was seeing her open up and talk about how things were going in her senior year (my sophomore year). I felt so strange that she had opened up to me and talked about something like that. I felt almost honored, in a way.
A week or so ago, I created a hideous looking drawing of what was SUPPOSED to be a couch-bound Valerie:
The face looked dreadful so I remade it and tried to base the face off of a French Actress I have a crush on, but...it ended up looking less like her and more like Poke-Girl. Darn you, Poke-Girl! Stop invading my doodles!
Tried multiple times to get the look right, but it always ended up looking like Poke-Girl, so I went "fuck it" and, with some tweaks, made this weird pseudo-Poke-Girl into a new character in her own right: Cassandra Petralia. When it came time to write her bio, I decided to actually base it off of Poke-Girl as a sort of parody of her, while keeping one or two aspects of Cassandra the same as her inspiration. I love how the end result came out, and even gave Cassandra a husband based off of Poke-Girl's own Husbando as a humorous little joke (and so people in the comments won't get creepy and ask to feed her because commenters can be weird sometimes).
Around the same time I started work on the Cassandra Petralia bio, I saw on Facebook that it had been one year since the amusement park trip, and with the conundrum with Cassandra, I had the inspiration to make a fattened-up Poke-Girl as a tribute to one of the biggest parts of my life. Poke-Girl was the first girl I genuinely loved, the girl who made me realize how horrible I was, the girl who showed me that life isn't all despair and misery (only 90% of all life is depair and misery XD), the girl who opened my eyes to all kinds of things I would never have noticed before (like Lolita Fashion), and the girl who showed me what it is I want in a significant other.
God bless the lucky fucker she ends up together with.